Turning 40: The Halfway Mark of My Life
When you look back on your life, what makes you feel proud? Is there anything you'd like to do over? Do you carry any regrets?
Today, as I turn 40, I'm looking back on the first half of my life with gratitude. I’ve been preparing for this day for a long time, because it represents the beginning of the last half of my life. There’s a Psalm that says, “Teach me to number my days that I may gain a heart of wisdom.” Yes, I’m young, but I want to always remember to spend myself completely in love and generosity, walking through hard times, trusting God and holding my people close as I can. Framing my life in seasons and quarters and halves helps me lean into living fully, embracing this side of heaven, which sometimes feels like hell, because I am headed toward eternity. So why not give it everything I’ve got in the ordinary days we’re given?
Maybe like you, every year handed me unpredictable, sometimes unbearable, but God is always faithful circumstances and events. We've all experienced heartbreak, disappointment, frustrations, right alongside joy, hope and contentment. Life is a big old bag of contradictions. My regrets are few because life is short. There are a few things I’d love to do over for sure, but today, I’m focused on gratitude, on what I feel proud of.
I'm proud that this month marks the beginning of 18 years of recovery from eating disorders, drugs, sexual assault, abortion, perfectionism and dysfunctional relationships. Speaking of relationships, I’m very proud of mine - my friends and family are my life line. They are the reason I am not prideful, controlling and angry. I'm proud to be a Queen of Geriatric Pregnancies, because the last thing I thought I'd do when I was 20-something was birth three babies at the end of my thirties and have a newborn in my arms at 40. I'm proud to be in a healthy marriage with a man who loves me and treats me well after a long string of dating fools. Idiots, I tell you, absolute fools. I'm proud of the justice work I've given my life to, serving as a prison chaplain, pastor, advocating for racial justice, cultivating safe communities and empowering women.
I'm proud of the tenacity and capacity God gave me and proud that I didn't settle or sell out for money, power or platform. I’m proud to now value my integrity over my image. (But you know we're only one decision away from stupid at all times, so I hope I don’t lose the plot.) For 23 years, I’ve served and helped others through my work and I'm proud that I got to spend the last two years as a full-time paid author and speaker - a dream fulfilled. Who knows what the Quarantine Year of Our Lord will continue to do that dream, but you know what, I’m accustomed to allowing life teach me and change me. Go with God or fight with God and hear me when I tell you, I ain’t won against the Lord one time yet, have you?
Friend, what are you proud of? It’s too easy to focus on the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s in our past. Take a moment to reflect on who you are, how you’ve grown, what you’ve overcome and accomplished. You’re remarkable, truly. Remember that, and as always, thank you for letting me share, quite indulgently, on my birthday. I appreciate you and pray blessings over you in 2021 and the grace to deal with the NOT A BLESSING moments of life. Love to you and yours.